these are the jokes

Everyone Looks Good in a Sheinhardt

Bill 7 Comments

Frankonstrike
I’m 100% behind the WGA strike, even though Fall 2007 has been disappointing as far as most shows go. But there two shows I’m really gonna miss when we soon run out of new scripted television — Pushing Daisies and 30 Rock. The latter faltered a bit out of the gate but has really brought the funny these last four episodes, and last night’s "Secrets and Lies" was one of the funniest the show has done yet, with maybe the most quotable lines ever. Don’t read below if you didn’t see it already (go ahead, watch it online), but here were my many favorites:

  • "The whistle part fell off but I liked how it looked, so I kept it."
  • "I got a squeezer from an Indian girl on a bunk-bed, so I think I got the whole Harvard experience."
  • "That word bums me out unless it’s between the words ‘meat’ and ‘pizza.’"
  • "This corporation has a very strict ‘Bros Before Hos Policy.’"
  • "Try not to dress like a small-town lesbian."
  • "I spent two days making this movie from home and what did I get? A million dollars, a yellow Bentley and nothing!"
  • "Thanks a lot, Puritans!"
  • "Your lame thing is on his pants!"
  • "Perfect. That’s just when I get back from Maiden Voyage — Newark’s first offshore Gentlemen’s barge."
  • "Banter!"
  • "What’s your favorite pizza topping? Mine’s plain, but I like others!"
  • "Shark attack!"
  • "I drag myself out of bed at four in the morning, go home, get dressed, come in here… and he doesn’t even mention my name?"
  • "The squirrel! It’s not afraid of people!"
  • "Captain Beefheart."
  • "Oh god, it was my birthday yesterday!"
  • "That’s NBA sexual assault money."
  • "Everyone looks good in a Sheinhardt."
  • "But the Toofer/Frank rivalry has finally exploded!"
  • "…and your name is probably something like Melissa."
  • "Oh Melissa, your face is on the phone. Soccer practice is over, and you need to pick it up!"
  • "…Cajun-style!"
  • "Wake me up if Andy Dick calls."
  • "Ooh… cuh-runch!"
  • KAYFABE
  • "Here’s your John Legend CD."
  • "I’m 43 and you have great hair. I can let this play out a little longer."
  • "These people are my peers, my heroes, my past and future Secret Santas…"
  • "I’m Black."

Even the shill-a-rific American Express Holiday Funtime things are pretty good:

  • "Bento box from Sushi King, lesbian scene from Mullholland Drive — time for Gentlemen’s Lunch."
  • "KOMURSHL"

One episode left, people. Personally, I’m hoping for a Christmas Miracle.

Complicated Drumming at Sound Fix on Saturday

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There sure are a lot of Swedes in town this weekend. You’re probably going to some cool Halloween Party on Saturday night but, if not, or before, you might want to head over to Sound Fix to see Jens Hammelmann at the Sound Fix Cafe. He is master of the "complicated drumming technique" and will be giving a free demonstration and lessons. If you’ve ever wanted to master a 30+ piece kit with three kick drums, now’s your chance. He’s also got a DVD for sale too. Here’s the promo for it:

It will be worth going just to see if Hammelmann can fit all his drums on the small Sound Fix stage.

Tragedy | Highline Ballroom | 9.02.2007

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TragedyMetal. It’s an genre I know almost nothing about, though I once had to fill in for my college radio station’s metal show once, all I remember is getting requests from the State Prison. Double kick drums have no place in my life, apart from banging on the floor at 3am to ask my otherwise nice downstairs neighbor to "turn that shit down."

Luckily, this isn’t really about metal, it’s about novelty metal. Sunday night, the Highline Ballroom brought together not one, not two, not three, but four of our area’s finest examples of metal schtick. I only saw one of them, actually. I missed Boyz Nite (known for their "Die Hard" song), Queen Diamond (teenage girl King Diamond tribute) and Beatallica (you can figure it out). I came specifically to see Tragedy, the Number One All-Metal Beegees Tribute Band in the Tri-State Area. And more specifically, I came because I’m friends with the bassist.

Tragedy are pretty much a one joke band but they do it very well, with scripted between-song banter, backup singers, and shiny white suits. More importantly these guys are all great musicians — some of whom are in the funny, glammy Moi?, others have done the metal tribute schtick before with Hair Supply — and make the covers worthy of writhing on the hood of a car.

Their only real obstacle to world dominance is their name, which has already been claimed by a crustcore (new term to me) band from Portland. At least one of that group’s devoted fans mistakenly drove from Pittsburgh to see the wrong group — and you can read his angry email on their MySpace page. (If you guys do have to change your name, may I suggest "Tragedidy" which is what I, as a kid, always thought they were saying.) While last night’s gig made perfect sense, Tragedy’s other upcoming shows are opening for legit bands ranging from real metal-ers Satancide to jam band Umphree’s McGee. And if so inclined you can also buy an MP3 of their version of "Stayin’ Alive" — for fifty bucks. Some more face-melting shots from last night’s action after the jump.

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